Slow down...

Here's a scenario-

You snooze the alarm till you can snooze no more...
You grudgingly get up and head to your porcelain throne.
You grab the hair pins bag along the way.
With your eyes closed you start putting your hair up in every which way.
Why you may ask?
Well because you are running late and don't have the time to wash it. Not to mention you snoozed one too many times...
Alright, all done.
Take a selfie of the hair.
Looks terrible.
Take it all out....repeat.
Another picture....more pins....take out repeat...
This goes on for 12 minutes longer than it should have.
Wait, wasn't i running late?

Yeah.

Every time we try to rush ourselves. Every time we try to make our bodies move faster than it wants to (at any particular time), everything begins to happen in slow motion. I'm no expert but i think that's our body and mind telling us to slow the heck down.

There will always be time for work. Time to do chores. Time to take care of everything you need to. But you were given only one body and one mind...don't lose it over any stupid ol' __________ (you fill in the blanks).

Slow down and smell the rotten smell all around you. Or the roses, whichever. But do slow down.

Trust me. You'll thank me later!

Holding on to you...

Though you want to leave I hold on to you.

I say it's for you.
Until you are able.
Till you're stable.

But it's for me. I know.
To be able to pretend.
Pretend that the constant hurt isn't there.
It isn't real.
Make believe a relationship that's long gone.
Tell myself we'll sit in the same room, watch a movie and laugh together.
Just how we used to.

But alas, holding on to you is the same as holding on to sand with your bare hands. Like grabbing the wind with your fingers. Just as reaching out to grab on...and finding you not there.

As desperately as i hold on...the farther the distance.

Tears of sorrow...
Pain of regret...
Loss of love...

Away with you demon...

Do you know when you're being taken advantage of?

Or when someone else is?

Do you see it as clear as day, while the person being manipulated doesn't?

Hmm...

How do you get someone to understand?  Understand that it isn't right.  That it's inappropriate.  It's wrong.  It's hurtful...

They say you are mistaken.  That you are blind.  Your memory is lacking.  How harsh you are being.

You're trying to help.  To understand.  To help them understand.  Why can't they see that.

But would you?  Understand that is...if the situation was reversed.

Yes, of course I would.  I would see it a mile away.... so you say.

It's hard to judge a situation from afar.  It's easy to find solutions to problems you aren't immersed in.

Right?

Then why do we become so narrow minded?  So consumed. It becomes everything that it is not. You begin telling yourself stories. Get angrier and angrier.

Not to say there is nothing to worry about.  Because there certainly is something... That uncomfortable nagging feeling.  The feeling that makes you feel sick.  The one you can't rid of.  And it's persistent.  Building and ongoing...never ending. Feeling of dismay.  Of fear...of complete discombobulation.  Why is this happening. Why doesn't the person see what this is doing to you. Why are they allowing this to happen.  Is this payback?  Is this intentional?  Haven't you done everything for them?  Why don't they see.  Why is this happening.

How easily the demon sits and watches...as everything you have built breaks apart. The sneer on the face as they watch you.  That knowing look...look of accomplishment...accomplishment of their objective. How it was able to pull you two apart. Why did we allow this to take place?  Why did he allow the demon in our home?  Does he not recognize?  How could he not see.  He certainly saw when you attempted to bring a demon into your lives...  why is he blind now?

The demon being accomplished, knows exactly what it is doing.  It smiles at our failure...failure to communicate.  Failure to understand.  Failure to acknowledge.  Failure to listen...failure to love fully and completely.  It feels it has won.

NO.  Not yet demon.  There is still fight left is me.  To not let go.  To hold on to hope.  Hope of what we were once and hope of what we can be again....  Stay with me, keep holding on...don't lose the grip my love.  

I trust you...still.

Can you hear it?

What does it sound like to you?

Do you hear it in the wind?

Or perhaps the rain...

Do you listen for it in the waves?

Or do you listen for it in the trees...

Can you describe it?

Can you see it?

I love its embrace...so comforting.

It envelops me...and doesn't let go.

For when i miss you...it is there for me.

When i long for your touch, it caresses me.

It stays with me day and night...

For it too needs a companion.

A faithful friend...

Someone to be there with.

Who doesn't judge.

Doesn't get angry...

One who doesn't need saving.

Can you hear it?

It's my friend...

The stillness, and

The quiet.

Come back to me...

Thank you for taking the first step last night.
You understood, even if it was just a little.
Understood how she was damaging a relationship, that wasn't doing so well already.

Thank you for the toast last night.
I said i wouldn't toast to it, until/unless you made the same claim/promise.
You said you will.

Thank you for spending time with me last night.
It's been too long since we talked...
Since we shared...
Since we sat next to each other.

Thank you for talking to me last night.
Your persistence has always been your best trait.
You didn't let go initially when i pushed you away...and you didn't back away last night.

Thank you for being in my life.
Thank you showing me you still care.
Thank you for letting me say what i needed to.
Thank you for listening...always.
Thank you for having faith in me.
Thank you for believing I'm still worth it.
Thank you for bringing me to my God!
Thank you for giving me the love i never had before.
Thank you for being patient with me.
Thank you for every little thing you do, that i take for granted.
Thank you for being my friend...
Thank you for being my support...
Thank you for not giving up...

I'm as sorry as i can ever be...here and now. For causing you hurt. Pain that you didn't deserve. Please know i will never let it happen again...forgive me.

Won't you come back to me now? To let me reciprocate the love and care. To allow me to show you my gratitude. To show you how much you mean to me. To let me hold you so close, that nothing will come between us again...not my anger nor our misunderstandings. To let me love you as you deserve.

Come back to me my love.

So that we can open our ears/mind/heart/soul to each other....

May God guide us both to each other.
Amen.

Lost

Wait where am I?

I recognize this place but I still don't know where I am.

Is this de ja vu?

No no....

This place is real.

Don't you see there are people in there.

One happy....

One sad...

Both lonely!

Do I know them?

From where...who are they? ...and why aren't they inviting me in?

Wait, do I even want to go in?

Look there is the moon.

I remember a moon like that.

That isn't a pleasant memory....let's move past that.

Where am I?

I wish someone would just grab my hand and lead me out of this place.

I'm suffocating here...can't watch these people anymore.

I see the love in their eyes...but they can't seem to see it in each other. Perhaps the distance between them has grown too wide.

Then there is the moon...how ever terrible the memory, I could follow it to find my way home.

Home....is anyone even there waiting for me anymore? Has he forgotten about me? Maybe he has moved on....

Quick, pinch me. Am I dreaming.

No....still here.

Looking through the window.

At these two lost souls...

Maybe they'll let me join them.

Maybe they can lead me home.

Oh how I long to be home.

In the arms of my beloved.

To have him hold me close....to look deep within his eyes....and lose myself.

Is that how I got here?

How did I lose myself? Why did he let go. I thought he would never let go. What went wrong?

Oh my dear moon....you venomous demon you...will you be my only companion now?

Where have the arms of my love gone? Where are his eyes?
Where are his lips?

Shall I remain here with you then you poisonous devil....

Where hast thou taken my happiness...

Where hast thou taken my love...

I shall never love again....

Let your vastness consume me then.

Forever and more....