Still impossible...

2+ years since I wrote the below. Yet I still cry over him. I cry as we speak. My heart will never be able to let go. He consumes my every breath still...2 years later and it still feels like he kissed my forehead like it was yesterday. 

I will never be a wife or a mother...i wanted children once. But only with him. Now I will have no legacy...nothing but ashes once I'm gone. I miss him still. I cry still...even now. And I always will. 

Top 2 impossible things

I have known for a very long time that 2 things are going to be be impossible for me to move past. 1) if God forbid my mom isn't around, and 2) if Jesse leaves me.

Well the 2nd of the two is about to happen. And only God can help me through this. For i am completely incapable of handling this. You know what's funny? I asked him to leave.

Sigh....

It's true. I love him more than i love myself. But it's hard for me to prove that, when I've done so much to show him otherwise. I know. I'm a loser.

God help me!

This is my story
A silent life story
The silence is saying
Why bear this oppression

An old story
In the words of loneliness
Every wound is inflamed
And is telling me something

Thorns of memories hurt when I take them out
I am alive under a shelter of falling walls

Only this is my story
A spotless memory
A fear is flowing
And telling me something

Thorns of memories hurt when I take them out
I am alive under shelter of falling walls

Instead of the dew of love, the shadows of death keep raining over my gardens at all times
My eyes are entangled in this darkness
Nobody... Nobody tells me how long I have to wait for a ray of light
Nobody..there is nobody
Not close, not far
This love
This beating of my heart
Which declares its love
This life which keeps on living
Drinking sips of blood
Weaving dreams

Now that nobody is near
Still, a feeling exists
Tangled in this darkness
There is a hope to live
My heart is a jungle of memories
But my heart is full of thorns

Thorns of memories hurt me when I take them out 
I am alive under shelter of falling walls

What is this world to me, even if I can have it

This world of palaces, thrones, and crowns

This world of societies that resent humanity

This world of those hungry for material wealth

What is this world to me, even if I can have it

Each body is afflicted, each soul thirsty

With confused eyes and hearts full of sorrow

Is this the world or the realm of the senseless

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

In this world where a person’s being is only a toy

It is an establishment that worships death

Where it costs less to die than to breathe

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

Here youth wanders in apathy

Young bodies are decorated and sold in the market

Where love is treated as a product to trade

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

This world where human life is nothing

Where Loyalty is nothing, where friendship is nothing

Where love has no meaning at all

What is this world to me, even if I can have it?

Burn this world, set it on fire

Remove this world from my sight

This world is yours, you take care of it.

What  is this world to me, even if I can have it?

I am letting you go

The hurt the pain
The lies the deceit
I am letting it go

The negativeness
The ugly remarks
I am letting it go

I am letting go of the...
Jealousy
Foolishness
Attitude
Pride
I am letting it go

I am letting go of you
For you are no longer mine
You have gone so far away
Where I cannot follow
You have chosen another
And my heart breaks
You will always have a place in my heart
But...

I am letting you go

Let's become strangers once again...

Harsh words exchanged
Accusations made
Hearts broken
once again...

You say I hold bitterness
I say you don't care anymore
Both are miserable
once again...

We hardly ever talk
We rarely ever meet
Loneliness consumes us
once again...

Why not become strangers once again?
Yes...
Let's become strangers
once again...

My loneliness and I...

We talk often
My loneliness and I

It has become my companion

I used to feel safe only in your arms
When you held me
Closer than your own heartbeat
I felt as if nothing could ever hurt me

Now...I hold tight to my loneliness
And it holds me back

We talk often
My loneliness and I

Reminiscing about what used to be
Memories of a time long gone
Though it was just a few days ago
Or has it been weeks
Or perhaps months...
To me it seems as if it were yesterday

When you held me in your arms
When you told me you missed me
When you kissed my lips longingly
When you made love to me...

If I had known it was the last time
I wouldn't have let it end
I would have held on with my dear life

But now I hold on to my loneliness

Yes...  my loneliness and I
We talk often...
Of times passed
Of the love we shared

It is my loneliness that keeps me safe now
It is my friend
It is what I have now
So I hold it...
As if I were holding you

My loneliness and I
We talk often

You're with me

Though you are not here
You are with me

In the silence of the house
In the emptiness of your room
In the smell of the air
You are with me

Oh how I see you all over
On the couch watching sports
In the kitchen making coffee
In the bathroom trimming your beard
I surely see you all over

Though you are not here
I feel you all around me
Everywhere I look...
There is a memory of you

In the clothes I wear, or
The jewelry I put on
The way I do my hair, or
In the way I look some days

There is always a memory of you 

Why are you here with me...
Yet so far away
You belong with me
No matter how much you deny

Say you miss me as I miss you
So I can sleep at night
Knowing
Feeling
Accepting
That though you aren't here
You're always with me