Top 2 impossible things

I have known for a very long time that 2 things are going to be be impossible for me to move past. 1) if God forbid my mom isn't around, and 2) if Jesse leaves me.

Well the 2nd of the two is about to happen. And only God can help me through this. For i am completely incapable of handling this. You know what's funny? I asked him to leave.

Sigh....

It's true. I love him more than i love myself. But it's hard for me to prove that, when I've done so much to show him otherwise. I know. I'm a loser.

God help me!

Expectations -

I can imagine how many will disagree with what I am about to say here, but it needs to be said in my humble opinion.  Before i say it though, i want to point out that whatever i write in my blogs is exactly what I say it is, "my opinion".  I don't claim to know everything.  I honestly don't know much about a lot of subjects.  I dabble here and there on several different topics, but i can only say I am an expert on a few.  In any case, here goes nothing.

Do you know why you get disappointed?  Whether it's with a person, or a situation, or in general?  It isn't because someone did or say something.  Well yes it is, but there is more to it then that.  We get disappointed because we have expectations.  We expect people to act a certain way.  Behave a specific way. Act in a mature manner or be respectful.  Right?  And when they don't, we become disappointed.  So is it that person who has disappointed you or is it the fact that you held a belief which ended up not being true.  Does that make sense?

Example:  You are friends with someone.  You have been friends for a long time.  You know them and understand their behaviors.  Based on your knowledge of this individual you develop an opinion of them.  An opinion that leads to you having faith in them to do things a certain way, behave a certain way, act a certain way.  And when they don't, you are upset and disappointed.  You never shared your expectations with your friend.  It was always a given.  'they should know better...'  or, '...they know that isn't right...'  But you never said it to them.  You simply expected it of them.

So who is it that let whom down?  Is it the friend who was unaware of your expectations, or is it yourself that held certain expectations of this individual?

Well that's my opinion at least.  Take it for what it is.  I say, don't expect anyone to act any specific way.  And never say someone isn't capable of doing certain acts of behaving a certain way.  As anyone and everyone is capable of doing anything and everything.  Pretty big statement there, eh? Well I believe it to be true.  Given the right circumstances, anyone is capable of saying and doing anything.  So don't build yourself up for disappointment.  Simply let people be who they are.  And be yourself.  Expectations lead to sadness and disappointment.  I know this won't change people having expectations.  I simply hope that they will at least look at why they are disappointed a bit differently.  

Inspiration or Truth...

Some say they love my writing style.
That it keeps them interested.
They want to read on to see what's next.

While others are hurt by my words.
They find it sorrowful.
Sad, disappointing, and at times mean.

What exactly am i trying to accomplish with my writing? I have a blog soley dedicated to my God and His word. And then this one for random thoughts. Thoughts that range from funny things to deep rooted pain, and everything in between. But what's the point? What am i aiming at? Am i trying to inspire those who may find inspiration. Or am i trying to hurt the ones who get hurt.

I wish i had a simple answer. Truth is, i write because i have to. There is not one person alive or dead, that knows me, or understands me. There used to be one. Yeah there was one who did. Until they gave up. Leaving me with these thoughts...words, and these feelings. These three come at me so fast and so strong, that it's hard to keep 'em straight. Nothing truly makes sense anymore. Not a damn thing.

So, to those I'm bringing inspiration i say, I'm glad. For those that find themselves 'not alone' after reading my writing, i say, you aren't alone. And for those that are hurt by my writing i say, I'm sorry, and join the club. I too am hurting while i write.

As i write to get the thoughts, words, and these feelings out. I write because i must. It's my only friend. It's my only outlet. It's mine...

I said to someone this morning that, "Love with a person is an illusion. It isn't real. It isn't forever. There is only one love that's eternal. God's love for us. And we take that for granted daily."

Inspiration or truth or hurt...i write because i think it's the only way i won't go mad.

Down in the dumps...

In his own way he always tries to help.
Unfortunately the distance between us has grown rather than diminish.
We've gone through so much.
But never like this.
Never this way before.
He blames me.
I blame me to an extent too.
But I know it isn't all me.
I just don't delude myself anymore.
I've lost all sense of patience I had.
Everything annoys me.
Everyone annoys me.
No one has the right words.
Including me.
Nothing seems right.
Nowhere seems peaceful.
I have no peace in my life.
I am wandering.
On and about this earth.
With nothing to hold on to.
Nothing to call my own.
Nothing to regard.
Just me.
And an emptiness.
That is so consuming.
So overwhelming.
That I can't even ask for a hand.
For a finger.
Someone to grab hold.
Cause I don't want to drag them down.
I need to be in this hollowness.
Alone.
Till I see the glimmer.
Not anyone can show it.
Not everyone can see it.
But it exists.
The glimmer of hope.
Of peace.
Of rest.
Of comfort.
The glimmer that only God can provide.
I stay in this darkness.
Wait for the day.
God pulls me out.
Towards the light.
Till that day...
In this vastness I call my heart I must remain.
Alone.
With my thoughts.
Those horrid ugly disappointing thoughts.
But I believe still...
Yes I believe.
For I know the day will come.
When I will be one with my Lord.