There is hope yet...

here's the thing...talk...i can talk and talk and talk

and I do

all the time

with whomever will engage in a decent conversation

but what then

talking doesn't do anything

i wish i had the means

the opportunity

to make an impact

to do something

i don't know

i am talking out my ass...don't mind me

the world is a cesspool

what's funny is...I am still grateful you know

I mean what I am stating here is such a first world country issue

do you think those that are abused, tortured, starved are thinking this

what they are thinking is where their next meal is going to come from

if they are going to get raped tonight or if they can sleep in peace

will they have a safe and secure place to shut their eyes

and here I am talking about how life is just bleh

seriously...i have perspective

i think which is one of the biggest reasons I feel so helpless

because I care so much

I feel

and I can do nothing about it

I can't because I don't have the means

this isn't what my life is supposed to be...i have so much to give and so much to do...but I can't

I am stuck beneath debt and complete lack of means

to get out and make a difference in the lives of those that cannot do it for themselves

like i said...i can certainly talk

i have lots of words

words come easily to me

but words are meaningless

without anything to follow them up with

know what I mean?

I am healthy, I have a beautiful home (which won't be ours for long as we have to move by end of May), I have a great car, I have two great jobs (many people don't even have one they like), I have tons and tons of experience and education, and I have two sets of families that love me, i have coworkers and bosses that appreciate me....I mean I have everything a normal person would want. Mostly I have a man who loves me. Regardless of everything either one of us has done in this relationship, he loves me and is with me through it all. God's good to me.

But at the same time...i know He as in God has a plan for me, and I think I am not fulfilling His plans.

I pray and I pray....

God willing one day He will reveal His purpose for me

but i do feel He's revealed to me that what I am doing now is not His purpose for me

that's the reason why I feel the way I do

and this isn't one of those lofty dreams of...'I am meant to do something bigger and better'

on the contrary

I think it's about humbling myself to a point of having nothing of my own....

am I making any sense?

i can speak all day long...and i feel that is what i need to do

speak...

but i feel i don't have an audience

not one person

not two

just anyone who will actually give an ear to my words

i am not sure i have the words to explain what I mean...which is contradicting my earlier statement of "words come easily to me."

Ha

I don't believe it is hopeless

not at all

I have hope....

I have hope for a better life 

I have faith